Outside sources will tell us our sex lives are like a carton of milk: fresh for the taking during our 20s and 30s before turning sour after menopause. But sexologist Chantelle Otten wants you to know this isn’t true.
“Of course, there are health challenges that come [after menopause] – that doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your sex life. It just means that your sex life has to look a little bit different from what it has previously,” says Chantelle. “It’s about adapting and creating a new ‘me and myself and what I like’ and then adding your partner to determine ‘we and our sexual relationship and what we like’.”
To ensure that you feel sexy no matter what your life stage is, Chantelle shares this advice.
Read more: We created a sex toy for our friend who’d never had an orgasm
Reconnect
One of the most reported sexual difficulties for women after menopause, that isn’t directly health-related, is failure to reach an orgasm.
While Chantelle reminds us that the end goal of intimacy isn’t an orgasm (if it were, it would be very unfulfilling for the 21 per cent of Australian women who say they can’t), enjoying yourself in bed again requires self-work.
Though this might be uncomfortable at first, Chantelle notes that familiarising yourself with your body after a significant change like menopause can improve intimacy.
“Do things like walking around naked or buying lingerie, and then you can connect with your senses by doing body scans or putting oil on your skin,” she explains.
Seek help
Vaginal dryness, vaginal atrophy and pain during intercourse pose the most intimacy difficulties for post-menopausal women.
Chantelle explains that you should consult a gynaecologist or endocrinologist if you happen to struggle with these conditions.
“If you don’t feel like you’re getting the right advice, getting a second or a third opinion can be very useful,” Chantelle says.
She also notes that a little lubricant can lend a hand in minor cases.
“Use a silicone base lube if you are having skin on skin intercourse or water base lube if you’re using a toy or condoms,” Chantelle advises. “You can also use a daily vaginal moisturiser to make sure you don’t get too much discomfort.”
Communicate
As much as we’d like them to be, our partners aren’t mind readers – accordingly, Chantelle says open and honest communication will help them to cater to your needs. “Getting your emotions out there is going to help a lot; a lot of the time, we just go, ‘Hey, I want this’ and we don’t talk about the changes we’re going through,” she says. “Writing a letter is a good way to communicate initially, especially if there is discomfort.”
Chantelle notes if your partner isn’t receptive to this communication, it can make things difficult.
“That’s where it is important to keep making sure that you have those conversations open and that you relate to that part of yourself,” she says.
“You do deserve the best and it doesn’t have to be pushed on your person, but your person has to at least be able to hear you out a little bit and to have those conversations openly.”
Try something new
In a 2019 study by sexual wellness retailer Ella Paradis, over 86 per cent of people believed sex toys improved their sex life, and Chantelle says external toys are a good choice for post-menopausal women.
“Clitoral vibrators are good because they’re not necessarily touching the clitoris, they’re hovering over the clitoris. For those that prefer something else, a wand is versatile and can be used on different parts of the body such as the thighs or nipple. Whatever works for you.”
