Perimenopause can be a difficult time. However, talking about it with your significant other can help, and it also means you don’t need to struggle in silence. Shelly Horton explains how to start the chat without making it awkward…
Ah, perimenopause, the ultimate curveball life throws at you when you thought you’d already mastered all the tough stuff. And now you’ve got to explain this hormonal s**t-storm to your partner. Don’t worry, let me help. Here’s how to talk to your partner about perimenopause without either of you running for the hills.
1. Do Your Homework
Before you sit them down, make sure you’ve got your facts straight. No, I don’t mean memorising scientific journals. I mean knowing enough about what’s happening to your body so you can explain it without turning it into a biology lecture.
Keep it simple, “My hormones are out of whack, and it’s causing everything from hot flushes to mood swings that I can’t control.” They don’t need to know the exact role of estrogen (though bonus points if they want to!), but they do need to understand that your body is in hormonal chaos.
2. Pick Your Moment
No one wants to have a serious chat about heavy bleeding and brain fog when they’re halfway through dinner or right before bed. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed, maybe during a walk or a
quiet weekend morning.
Don’t ambush them right after you’ve snapped about something trivial. Timing is everything!
3. Use Humour (But Keep it Real)
Make it light but keep it honest. You could say, “Remember when I said I was cold and then two minutes later I was sweating like a marathon runner? Yeah, that’s peri for you. Welcome to the hot flushes.”
Laughter breaks the ice, but don’t dismiss the seriousness of what you’re going through. It’s a rollercoaster, and they’re along for the ride, so they need to adjust their safety harness too.
4. Explain the emotional stuff
You need to explain that hormones don’t just make your body freak out, they mess with your emotions too. Be upfront, “Sometimes I might cry for no reason, or I might feel anxious even when nothing’s wrong. It’s not you, it’s my hormones. I just need you to understand and please don’t take it personally.”
They’ll appreciate the heads-up, and it’ll help them see that your mood swings aren’t about them leaving wet towels on the bed again.
5. Be honest about sex
Perimenopause can be a libido killer. If your sex drive has plummeted or sex hurts due to dryness, don’t suffer in silence. Bring it up without making it weird. “I’m going through some changes and it’s affecting how I feel about sex.
Let’s talk about what works for us now, so we’re both comfortable and happy.” Then let them know you’ll be using some vaginal estrogen to help the dryness (this shows you’re being proactive) and explain it’s time to embrace lube! You need to give them details so they understand what’s happening with your body and that it doesn’t mean you love them less.
6. Ask for their support
This isn’t just your battle. Ask them to be your teammate in this hormone-fuelled war. Let them know what you need, “When I’m having a rough day, it’d really help if you could be patient with me, even when I’m snarky.” Or perhaps, “Sometimes I just need a hug when I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
Partners love to feel like they can help, so give them clear ways to support you without feeling like they’re walking on eggshells.
7. Keep the conversation open
This is an ongoing process, not a one-time chat. Let them know it’s OK to ask questions or even check in on how you’re feeling. And if something changes, like your symptoms get worse or you decide to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT), update them so they’re not left in the dark.
Perimenopause is unpredictable and ongoing, so your conversations about it should be too.
8. Remind them you’re in it together
This isn’t the end of the world. Reassure them (and yourself ) that you’ll get through this. Say something like, “I know this is tough, but we’re a team and we’ll figure it out together.” That way, they know you’re still you. Remember, this isn’t just about educating them, it’s about finding a way to go through this together without losing your sanity (or your relationship).
The more open and honest you are, the easier it’ll be for both of you to handle the craziness that is perimenopause.
Edited extract from I’m Your Peri Godmother by Shelly Horton, (Murdoch Books,
$34.99)
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